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Chapter Eight - Memory Lapse

Scarborough, the sixes’ cabin, was a hive of activity as its small, highly-active and  annoying occupants buzzed and whirled within since their counselor (as well as the boys’ counselor from Meryton) was nowhere to be found on this much anticipated day at Camp Mount Oakham. You see, today was obstacle course and relay day. 


Hearing the commotion going on from within, Jane’s very grown up, too mature for their own good, group of ten year-olds organized and calmed the little ones once they confiscated the chocolate Hershey’s kisses and four boxes of Fruit Loops. The cabin reeked of farts and dirty feet covered up by Chanel No. 5.


“Miss Jane, these girls smell like my brother’s bedroom,” Amelia Pennyworth declared holding her nose in supreme disgust.


Jane crinkled her nose, the smell was already attacking her queasy stomach after too much tequila the night before.


“Better just leave them for now. It could actually work for the girls’ overall team advantage. No one in their right mind will want to go near them.


“Why are they all wearing yellow?” Leslie asked.


Seven year old Haley stood off in the corner, holding their newly painted toy, which she had found in Caroline’s cosmetic bag—now brightly striped in yellow and black from its usual white. Holding it high in the air, she slide the side switch upward, and Jane listened in shock as it hummed and vibrated in a very familiar sound to her not-so-innocent ears.


All the six year olds shouted, “IT’S YELLOW DAY! We are bumble bees!” in unison, running out the cabin door with Haley at the front of the line. Caroline’s BOB vibrator led the way as if the Queen Bee was leading the swarm. The children ran to the center grass circle, their arms stretched out flapping at their sides. They were human bumble bees humming in unison with the dildo. “Buzzzz, Buzzzz, Buzzzz!”


The loud, incessant noise of children-turned-into-insects awoke Lizzy inside Longbourn. Gradually, she made her way to the screen door, holding her head in one hand and a water bottle in the other. “Oooohhhh. What is going on?”


Georgiana walked to her then placed an arm around her counselor’s shoulder. She really liked Lizzy. The woman was fair, never playing favorites because her sister was in the cabin, unlike that counselor Mary King the year prior. Lizzy was always supportive and encouraging to her and that was something that Georgiana admitted that she needed.  Will had always done that too. “Bad night, Lizzy?” she asked.


“I have no idea.” Lizzy replied shaking her head in disappointment in herself for not remembering anything past Caroline placing her scrawny backside next to Darcy’s on the log. “Let my stupidity serve as a lesson to you, Georgiana. Stay away from Jose Curevo and ALL his friends—of every guise—because they only pretend to like you before they get you into trouble, and trouble is something you should avoid at all costs.”


“You don’t have to tell me that,” Georgiana replied with a glance over her shoulder to Lydia hooking her tiger-print Wonderbra followed by a reach into the cup to pull her boob up. Truth was, Georgiana knew she was slowly crossing over to the dark side as her alter-ego, The Good Time, and now she was in too deep to get out.


Although she attempted to discourage Lydia about having sex with G-Train, she couldn’t help being a little jealous at how Lydia lived life on her own terms. It was a mentality that Georgiana’s sheltered upbringing and traditional brother had never allowed her to express. It was very tempting, especially since Lydia wanted to be her friend. Maybe, just maybe, there is a similarity between Jose and L-Scream, her conscience considered. Afterall, she was a good girl and knew it was wrong when George suggested a three-some and Lydia agreed, but thankfully the dinner bell rung, and she ran from the cave. She also knew it was wrong when she took a hit off Lydia’s joint but did it anyway, and she knew it was devious to take that Polaroid picture of Lizzy in the shower and leave it in her brother’s pillow case, but rationalized that no real harm could come of it. Lydia suggested that would be a good way to get those two together. And she did really wanted Will to find love.


“Yo, sistas! We gotta fly, breakfast is ready and I’m starving,” Lydia declared brushing by Lizzy to exit the cabin.



Darcy purposefully walked through the door of Matlock’s cabin where Rick paused from filling his backpack with water bottles and energy bars for his boys’ upcoming relay.


“Will what brings you here? Need some pointers on endurance survival for your Pemberley boys?” he asked.


A bit nervous, Darcy grunted in reply but was not to be deterred from the supply requisition mission before him. It wasn’t water or energy bars he sought; it was another vital object he required: a condom.


As if a horny fifteen year-old, he awoke with a massive erection, throbbing from the memory of Lizzy’s incredible, glistening body below his hands and her pert nipples in his mouth. He thanked the gods of Olympus that he remembered every last detail of his tryst with the goddess of the sea the night before—right down to the last answered question, which encouraged him that round two would indeed be welcomed. When alone in the shower that morning, while the kids threw a football outside, he noticed the huge hickey she left on Big D. Yeah, he remembered with great clarity all that sucking, too. He felt like a Blow Pop lollipop and he couldn't wait for more. He had no choice—none whatsoever—to promptly seek relief, imagining her mouth, once again, executing its proficient talent. He hadn’t done that in thirteen years! It was official—he had regressed into the very kids he shared a cabin with.


If anyone had a condom, it would be Rick. They were like his American Express Card. Even in the sands of Afghanistan, his cousin never left home without it; the man prided himself on being a studmuffin.


Darcy cleared his throat. 


“Come out with it cousin!”


“I need a condom.”


Rick stopped packing and glanced up at Will’s sheepish expression. He laughed raucously.


“Shush! Keep it down. It’s not like I’m asking you for a blow-up doll. I just need a few condoms.”


“You said one; now it’s a few?”


“All right! Several.”


“My, my. Who is this lucky girl that she’ll get to repeatedly experience the mighty Will Darcy, whose nickname and reputation at Penn State was—”


“Stop! Don’t say it, and no I won’t tell you.”


Rick shrugged, “I’m sure Lizzy will be mighty satisfied, according to all the girls,” he said tossing a line of Magnum Trojans through the air. “Have at it!”


“How did you know it's Lizzy?”


“Will, you’ve been following that girl around like a lonely puppy dog whose tongue just wants to lap all over her or bite at her heels. I’m surprised I haven’t seen you humping her leg by now. You gotta learn to control your expressions, dude. Shit, you’re about as obvious as a little boy pulling her pigtails. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say by that look on your face, now, that you’ve already had a lick, maybe even shared your bone, and you just want to go back for some more Kibbles-n-Bits.”


“Screw you,” Darcy laughed and exited the cabin toward the cafeteria, tucking the condoms in the front pocket of his shorts.


“Where’s Baby Jane!” Cat yelled out to Maddy as the campers entered and the counselors took count of their children to be sure that they were all in attendance. 


“No one has seen either her or John from the Meryton cabin yet this morning.”


“I’ll be damned! They’re probably knockin’ boots, held up in that cave William used to go to when he was a horny teenager. That redhead is gonna be the death of me! I hate redheads. Well, better John than William. There’d be nothing scarier than a bastard Darcy with that flaming, crazy-ass hair!” 


Maddy laughed. Was it her imagination or was Cat getting more outspoken as the days passed? She turned and greeted her nieces with a kiss when they entered. A raised eyebrow in supposition over the love bite on Jane’s neck, met her niece’s blush. “Charlie?” 


Jane nodded and shyly smiled because, although the night before was fuzzy, some things were worth remembering.


“Yes Aunt, Janie is a traitor by hooking up with one of them!” Lizzy said.


“You might do well to do the same. Every summer romance that begins at Camp Mount Oakham results in a loving marriage. Why it’s the founding legacy of this camp.” Maddy replied to Lizzy. “And the way I see it you’ve been waiting all these years to come back to your first love, right here at the camp.” Oh Maddy, what a little matchmaker you are.


“Billy Collins? No ... I … um … don’t think so.” She spied him over at Pemberley’s table, exhorting his praise and worship of how well Darcy controlled the peckers.


“Who said Billy? Lizzy dear, Will is that little boy you used to jump naked into the lake with, not Billy.” 


No! As though an itch that didn’t quite get scratched, she looked at Darcy, drinking him in. Man, he looked fine this morning. Hmm .. now that’s a visual—naked in the lake. Mr. Posideon. That she’d like to see, so long as he kept his mouth shut.


The hair on Lizzy’s neck stood up as though recalling something familiar.  “No, you must be mistaken Aunt Maddy, Mr. Pemberley would have said something when I mentioned to him last week that I knew Billy.”


“Now how could I possibly be mistaken about that? I love that boy like he was my own, and nothing, absolutely nothing would make me happier than to see the two of you put aside your differences. You may not realize this, but the two of you are perfect for each other.”


“Sorry, but now I know you’re full of crap! He is not the little boy I fell in love with! Even Uncle said it was Billy.”


“Your uncle sort of fibbed about that.”


Lizzy laughed. “I think you’re the one pulling my leg, playing a camp prank, as usual. That man and I are like night and day; he’s a conservative republican for Christ sake. He thinks women are weak and useless, probably supports the NRA, too!”


“Honey, I don’t know where you’re getting your information, but Will is an Independent, always has been. We discuss politics every summer, and his views are the same as your uncles, and as for finding women weak, if that was true then why would one of his main characters in all his software company’s war games be a female soldier, not to mention the fact that he coaches a girl’s basketball team on the weekends?”


“He owns a software company?”


“Didn’t I tell you Lizzy? Charlie-boo’s business partner at Battlefront Software is Will. They make games for X-Box and just created an app. Their company is going public at the end of the year after they move to Manhattan,” Jane said.


“Hmmm,” she huffed, miffed that Darcy wasn’t the twenty-six year old, conservative, looser counselor he portrayed himself to be.  Liar! No, she was still determined to hate him for all eternity. If he lied about that, what else had he lie about? 


“Lizzy wait up!” Darcy called out following the campers toward the main area where the relay races and obstacle courses had been set up. He noted how cute she looked with her chestnut hair pulled back into a high pony tail, and how the hot pink, v-neck T-shirt she wore matched the panties that floated away the night before. 


She stopped, turning at the sound of his voice and after having mulled over the delightful—even if verboten—image of him naked in the lake, (damn her aunt for conjuring that imagining) she was completely taken aback by his beautiful smile when he approached her. There was no retort present on her lips as she stood with her hand clutching hip, waiting for him to catch up, but her mind quickly banished erotic thoughts, replacing them with the facts that he had willfully misrepresented himself to her in order to goad her into conflict and prejudice. But didn’t you do the same, Lizzy? Who cares; he’s the prick, not me and damn him for looking so good this morning.


“Can we talk over here?” he said leading her toward the bushes off the pathway. Taking her hand, he led her deeper into the woods. Why she allowed him to hold her hand she’d never know, but she had to admit that it felt good, and it surprised her. Damn.


She remained silent and that alone should have alerted Darcy that something was amiss. He expected a warm greeting, maybe even something flirty after what they did in the lake – what she did to him and how much she enjoyed it as much as he had. Further, at the very least, he’d expect her usual—a smart-ass comment or an insult, but none came. It meant trouble when her mouth was occupied, and it was worse when it wasn’t—unless, of course, it was on Big D. 


As though an excited child, so focused on his new-found booty (the condoms,) he failed to notice her seething expression.


It felt like an instant replay from the movie Saturday Night Fever. You remember the scene—the one where Annette holds out her hand to Tony with a stack of condoms in her palm.  Darcy dug into his pocket then pulled out the long row of Trojans, showing them to her with the most endearing smile upon his face.


“And?” she asked incredulously.


With eyes alight with passion and flame, he reached around her waist and pulled her into his smelling-so-damn-good, hard body. “And, why don’t I meet you by the lake tonight, so I can shag you like a minx all night long.” He lowered his lips to kiss her, only a fraction of an inch from making contact.


It was hard—and fast—and almost lethal when the palm of her hand made such fierce contact with the side of his face that he almost stumbled backward.


“What the hell did you do that for?!” he shouted in stunned shock, his hand flying to his stinging cheek.


“How dare you! You think you can just show me condoms and assume that I want to have sex with you. What gives you the right to hold me, to kiss me? Dammit Darcy, I wouldn’t touch you if you were the last man in the world, Mr. Smug Egotistical Conceited Bullshit Artist.”


“But … but … last night.”


“I don’t know a thing about last night, but I do know that you are liar, so anything you tell me I wouldn’t believe anyway! Prick!”


She turned on her heel, leaving him to lick his wounds, the condoms slipping from his hand to the ground.


The tables at end of twelve long lanes contained the essentials for the first relay of the competition: bowls of Vaseline and cotton balls. The object was for each team member to face off with their age-counterpart, opposite sex cabin, dip their nose in Vaseline, then (without using hands) bend to adhere the cotton ball. Balls-out they’d have to run down the lane without the cotton falling off. Once all five of the balls were completed, the children were to run through the woods and campgrounds on the winding obstacle course, which had been previously outlined by ropes and markers.


Speed was necessary, poise was essential (so as not to get hurt,) and endurance paramount.


The first two teams to compete were Jane’s Cheapside vs. Charlie’s Netherfield, and Jane was out for blood. Flashes of dashed Olympic dreams passed before her hung-over headache and she was ready for her girls to kick ass and take names. 


It was most likely Charlie’s worst and stupidest moment when the words, “Ya know, it’s fundamentally known that girls can’t run as fast as boys,” left his lips. Of course it was only meant as playful banter from his perspective, but to Jane, Ahh … no.


The beautiful, serene woman turned into Medusa in an instant. No one, absolutely no one, not even someone that could make her come apart in sixteen seconds flat was going to denigrate female athletes—especially runners. In that sweet, ditzy voice that she knew he loved so much she replied, “Charlie-boo, you really might consider sticking your head back up your ass where it belongs because you're an ass hat."  She smiled, turned, and left him in shock, as she headed toward an equally fuming Lizzy at side lines.


“What happened to your face?” Charlie asked when Darcy turned to him, having been in earshot of the exchange and apparently in a mood himself. 


He lifted his chin in Lizzy’s direction, his goddess of the sea had once again turned into the Cracken glaring at him with narrowed eyes while she conversed with the other Titan, her sister.


Charlie nodded, he understood perfectly, replying with one word, “Drexel.”


“Yeah, Drexel. Thank God they don’t have a football team or they’d really be lethal.”


“Say, have you seen John, Darce?”


“No, Caroline is missing too.” Both men’s faces snapped to attention, eyes locking with the other’s. They smiled wryly.


“No way!”


“Maybe. He was kind of drunk and completely pissed off when you took off with Lizzy last night. Where did you two go by the way?”


“Let’s just say some glimpses of heaven can lead you right back into the depths of hell, and that my friend is the sum and power of Elizabeth Bennet. Matchbox 20 must have wrote that song about her. You know the lyrics … ‘Yeah you want her, but she’s so mean’.”


The woman in question watched Darcy from across the field as her girls stretched around her. She only breaking her heated stare long enough to impart the occassional words of advice to them. He was doing the same to her and at one point the man brazenly turned around to scratch his ass with his middle finger.


Again, ringside commentary took place as three adults of sound mind (although Cat’s was debatable) watched the exchange from the sidelines.


“Maddy what’s up with that boy? Look at him picking his ass. Looks like Collins for Christ sake. He’s gone crazy!”


Maddy laughed. “He is crazy, Cat. He’s crazy for Lizzy, just as she is for him. I never met two more stubborn, fanatical people than these two. That’s why they are perfect for each other.”


“Yes you have! His crazy parents; they were the same way. The only thing that’ll get William in the game is if he gets her in bed. Worked for his sexy daddy and my sister.”


“You may be right, Cat. You may be right. Those two need to release a little tension and allow their heart to function over their heads.”


“Yeah. And, in this case, William needs to pay attention to his little head over his big head. Damn fool. Look at that, she just stuck her tongue out at him. If she was smart, she’d put that to better use, too.”


“Yo L-Scream!” Wickham shouted out, approaching where she sat on the grass, legs spread, and leaning back on the palms of her hands.


“G-Train! You look tanned. What did you do to catch those cool rays? It’s cloudy today.”


“Aw, baby squirrel, I got myself a tanning lamp. I set it up in the bathroom and plugged it in, and me and the boys take turns catching the rays.” He pointed to Lambton and the orange-colored thirteen year-olds putting gel in their hair and rolling up the sleeves of their T-shirts. “Are you running today?”


“Yeah, my boring sister is making me run. Why? What have you got planned?”


“I could meet you in the woods for a little shim-sham.” He waggled his eyebrows. “My big train is all tanned, too.”


“You gonna take me on a smush ride, G?”


“Yeah, and we don’t even need a condom. They say that a tanned dick don’t produce no baby makers.”





Darcy's Lizzy  
"She's So Mean" by Matchbox 20

Lizzy better get her head in the game. Maybe both of them should listen to their aunts! And where is John and Caroline?